Largemouth Bass – The Ultimate Predator

Since traffic on our local lakes, and subsequently, on this board have come to a crawl in these dog-days of summer, I thought I’d take a moment to discuss some of the peculiar behaviors of our favorite finned species.

Micropterus salmoides, or commonly, the Largemouth Bass, is a large freshwater sunfish native to eastern North America. Due to human introduction, its range has expanded greatly and Largemouth Bass now populate freshwater bodies in temperate regions throughout the world.

Most people think of the Largemouth Bass as an enigma, but really, it’s the most lethal predator that Mother Nature has ever assembled.

It is widely known that the Largemouth Bass is the most aggressive aquatic animal on Earth and can easily kick the crap out of any other fish species on the planet, including whales.

The Largemouth Bass is an ambush predator and uses its disproportionately large mouth to capture its prey, which includes smaller fish, frogs, crawfish, raccoons and Labrador Retrievers.

Largemouth Bass have a terrible sense of humor and only ever laugh at one thing: the sight of a baby duckling swimming last in line behind its mother and siblings, because all the Largemouth Bass can think to himself is “Dude, this is gonna be sweet.”

Have you ever wondered why Great White Sharks live in the ocean? It’s because they know fresh water is inhabited by Largemouth Bass. And, unfortunately for the Great White, Largemouth Bass are starting to encroach on the Shark’s territory. Remember that photo of the Blackhawk helicopter in front of the Golden Gate Bridge with the Great White Shark jumping out of the water to attack the unsuspecting Airman? As it turns out, that photo was a hoax. The person who created that image actually photoshoped the shark over a huge, hungry Largemouth Bass. And by the way, I heard that the Largemouth Bass in the original photo actually ate the dude, then dismembered everyone else in the helicopter just for fun.

Scientists have long asked themselves, “What is the preferred diet of the Largemouth Bass?” Well the answer is simple: anything that it’s pissed off at. River-dwelling Largemouth Bass have been known to decimate entire herds of Wildebeests migrating across the Serengeti.

In the summer months giant Largemouth Bass spend lots and lots of time doing absolutely nothing. It’s as if they want to show off how chill they are by barely moving all day long. Unfortunately, that lethargy can turn lethal in a heartbeat as the Largemouth Bass is extremely short-tempered and will sometimes snap and indiscriminately kill every organism in sight just because his shade moved.

In short, never let your children swim in Largemouth Bass infested lakes and rivers. While a Largemouth Bass has never been officially implicated in any drowning incident in U.S. waters, I’m pretty sure that they are responsible for virtually all of them.